During a tough time, good friends can prop you up and remind you that you don’t have to go through it alone. Vent to a friend after a hard day, and you might even feel the tension leave your body. That’s not your imagination.
“Social connections are biologically beneficial for regulating stress levels,” says Lisa MacLean, M.D., a psychiatrist at Henry Ford Health. “The process of connecting with other people reduces stress hormones and leads to a calming effect, and it actually has a name: social buffering.”
Here’s how social buffering works—and why it’s always a good idea to lean on a friend.
Social Support and Your Health
When the dial on your stress level is set to high, your body produces a surge of cortisol, the so-called stress hormone. Cortisol triggers a cascade of physical and hormonal changes in the body, famously dubbed the “fight or flight” response. Your heart rate climbs, your muscles tense and your breathing speeds up.
Connecting with a loved one triggers a different response in your body, nicknamed the “tend and befriend” response. “Fight-or-flight and tend-and-befriend exist on opposite ends of the spectrum from one another,” Dr. MacLean says. While one ramps stress up, the other turns it down.
Interacting with loved ones triggers your body to release oxytocin, a hormone that triggers feelings of trust and empathy. (It’s the same feel-good hormone that helps parents bond with new babies.) Oxytocin, in turn, helps bring down cortisol levels. “Through that process, social connections can reduce anxiety, stress and tension throughout the body,” she says.
And if you end up laughing with that friend? Even better. During laugher, the body releases endorphins—natural chemicals that produce feelings of happiness and help to regulate the stress response.
The Power of Social Buffering
To make the most of social buffering, your closest friends and family members may have the most to offer. Research shows, for example, that people’s blood pressure is lower when they talk to a supportive friend than when they share with a friend they feel ambivalent about.
“Close friendships can promote more trust and intimacy than a casual acquaintance can,” Dr. MacLean says. “That might help you be more honest and open and vulnerable, which can lead to more effective stress relief.”
That doesn’t mean it’s pointless to share with an acquaintance or coworker you don’t consider your best buddy. Those more casual connections are also important for our well-being, research shows. And chatting with an acquaintance can help diffuse a stressful experience, even if they don’t know the whole backstory.
Plus, sharing honestly can be the first step in turning an acquaintance into a friend. “It takes time to deepen the connection, but sharing and being vulnerable is a great way to nurture a new friendship,” she says.
When Venting Isn’t Helpful
When it comes to letting off steam, the kind of conversation you have matters, too. Sometimes, you just want to vent. Other times you need solid advice to help solve a problem. There’s also a time and a place for conversations that distract you from your troubles rather than rehash them.
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“Which type of conversation is most helpful depends on the needs of the person in that moment,” Dr. MacLean says. “As friends, we should try to be in tune with what a person needs and respond accordingly.”
While venting can be a great stress reliever, though, it can sometimes lead to unhealthy habits. “Healthy venting has an end point,” Dr. MacLean notes. If you keep returning to the same problem to rehash it over and over again, you can cross a line from venting to rumination.
Rumination is the process of dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings. Those thoughts can start running on a loop inside your head. And rumination is linked to both depression and anxiety, so it’s a vicious cycle you don’t want to get drawn into.
“One way to avoid rumination is to put guardrails around your venting session,” Dr. MacLean says. “It feels good to dump a bit, but if it stops being productive and your thoughts become intrusive, consider speaking with a mental health professional.”
Supportive Friendships
For some people, it can be hard to lean on friends. But that’s what they’re there for. “You’re not bothering friends by being vulnerable,” Dr. MacLean says. “In fact, you give something to your friend by letting them support you. It feels good to do good.”
Still, it’s important to remember that healthy friendship is a two-way street. Appreciate your bestie for letting you vent—but remember to pause long enough for them to unload their stress, too.
“Sharing with one another strengthens your connection and helps you build long-term resilience to life’s stressors,” Dr. MacLean says. “Supportive relationships require effort and attention, but they pay off tenfold.”
Reviewed by Lisa MacLean, M.D., a psychiatrist specializing in adult ADHD treatment at Henry Ford Behavioral Services in Detroit.
