It takes a lot of work, worry, planning and decision-making to keep a home—and a family—running smoothly. And you may feel like you’re the only one in your household carrying that burden.
“In relationships, it often ends up that one partner takes on nearly all of the mental load, while the other partner relies on them to take care of those things,” says Lisa MacLean, M.D., a psychiatrist at Henry Ford Health. And in opposite-sex couples, the majority of this sort of emotional labor seems to fall on women.
Why The Burden Of Emotional Labor Falls Unevenly
“The more women take on, the more our partners and families are happy to relinquish,” says Dr. MacLean. “And that becomes a vicious cycle because you start to think, ‘If I don’t do it, who will?’”
The pressure to manage everything and be in charge of all the emotional labor may feel self-imposed. But much of it is a direct result of society’s expectations and the pressures placed on women. “Women especially are almost hard-wired to feel like we have to do it all and manage it all,” says Dr. MacLean. “And if we don’t—or can’t—we feel like we’re not doing a good enough job.”
Of course, some households do a better job of splitting the burden of emotional labor. And many male partners do their share or more. Even in those situations, however, women need to be careful not to fall into the habit of thinking it’s easier to do it all themselves than it is to delegate.
How To Talk To Your Partner About Sharing The Mental Load
The trick to successfully broaching this topic with your partner is finding a way to do it without turning the conversation into a competition over who does the most work. Timing the conversation can also be key.
“You need to be able to ask for help when you’ve reached your capacity,” says Dr. MacLean. “But you need to have the discussion about it before you feel completely overwhelmed.”
Plan to sit down with your partner (and maybe your kids) at a time when you aren’t super stressed out and things aren’t overly busy. “Don’t assume your partner actually knows all the work you’ve been doing because a lot of this type of mental load is unseen stuff that happens in the background,” says Dr. MacLean.
Behavioral Health Services
Rather than reading off a laundry list of everything you do to keep your family running smoothly, try to offer some concrete examples of how you’re feeling. Explain that you’ve been extra tired and overwhelmed lately. And come up with specific ideas of how your partner and kids can pitch in.
“One way we tackled this in my house was to decide that one night a week, my husband and kids have to plan and cook dinner,” says Dr. MacLean. “Because even little things like deciding what to eat every night can be exhausting.”
Getting your kids involved—at any age—is a great idea. Not only can it lift some of your burden, but it also teaches them to take responsibility. Put them in charge of things like emptying the dishwasher, taking out trash, feeding pets or watering the garden. They’ll gain some respect for what it takes to run the household while also learning to be more responsible.
Give Yourself Permission To Do Less Worry Work
Even when you feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of emotional labor on your plate, it can be hard to let it go. You may feel pressure to make everything perfect—in your home, in your job, in your kids’ lives.
“You need to give yourself permission to not to be perfect,” says Dr. MacLean. “Because if you can’t be okay with not being perfect all the time, you’ll continue to feel stressed and overwhelmed.”
If you’ve delegated tasks to family members, let them do those tasks. And even if they’re not done exactly as you’d like, it’s important to let it go. The world won’t end if the socks aren’t folded properly or the silverware is put away in a jumbled pile. “Recognize when it’s okay to not be perfect,” says Dr. MacLean, “and when good enough is just fine.”
Reviewed by Lisa MacLean, M.D., a psychiatrist specializing in adult ADHD treatment at Henry Ford Behavioral Services in Detroit. She is the director of physician wellness for Henry Ford Health, using her expertise to help doctors optimize wellness and find balance by teaching them healthy coping strategies so they can better serve their patients.
