Your first job as a parent is to keep your kids safe. But ultimately, your goal is to raise them to be independent, self-sufficient, successful adults.
How you get them from the toddler years, through elementary school, middle school, high school and beyond can take many forms. Somewhere between constant hovering and hands-off parenting lies an approach that might be just right. It’s called air traffic controller parenting, and it’s a supportive style that’s particularly effective for shepherding kids through their teens.
“Air traffic controller parents are still very involved,” says Kelly Melistas, L.L.P., a child and adolescent psychologist at Henry Ford Health. “But instead of being on top of your children’s every move, you’re off to the side, guiding them and directing them on occasion, making sure no one crashes.”
How Helicopter Parenting Differs From Air Traffic Controller Parenting
To distinguish the difference between these two parenting styles, you need to think about the job titles they describe.
A helicopter pilot is often required to hover over a single spot, with laser-like focus on maintaining their aircraft’s balance and safety. An air traffic controller, on the other hand, is responsible for overseeing numerous aircraft and ground vehicles. Their job is to ensure that the operator of each vehicle has the information they need to stay safe and do their job.
Translated into parenting terms, a helicopter parent hovers over a child nonstop. Rather than giving the child the information they need to navigate life on their own, a helicopter parent just takes over.
If a child is having a conflict with a friend, a helicopter parent calls the other parent to sort it out. If a high school student needs to let their teacher know about a missed assignment, a helicopter parent emails the teacher for them.
“Parents get used to doing everything for their kids when they’re little because they need you to,” says Melistas. “But if you keep doing it, they don’t learn to be self-sufficient.”
Benefits of Air Traffic Controller Parenting for Teens
Helicopter parenting has its place. “Parenting is all about balancing what your family needs in the moment,” says Melistas. “Sometimes it may look more authoritarian because the situation calls for it. Other times, the pilot may take a more hands-off approach.”
Being a helicopter parent makes the most sense when you’re dealing with young children. They need the most direct supervision, and they may not yet understand how to keep themselves safe.
But as children get older—especially as they hit the teen years—helicopter parenting may no longer be the best approach. “With air traffic controller parenting, you meet kids where they’re at developmentally,” says Melistas. “You support them but give them age-appropriate measures of autonomy.”
That autonomy becomes especially important during the teen years. For teens to leave home and navigate college or life on their own, they need to develop those skills. Giving them the tools, then letting them try (and maybe fail) on their own is how they become more resilient.
For teens trying to establish independence, this style of parenting also helps give them the confidence that they can do things on their own.
Strategies for Successful Air Traffic Controller Parenting
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If you’re trying to give up your helicopter pilot ways in favor of an air traffic controller approach, you’ll want to start by paying close attention. “Instead of waiting for a crisis and then swooping in to fix it, you want to notice patterns early,” says Melistas.
Successful air traffic controller parenting isn’t a hands-off approach. You still need to be very involved, just from a safe distance. Important strategies include:
- Setting rules and boundaries: When teens understand the family rules and boundaries, they’ll know when they’re not heeding them. “Make sure your kids know that if they’re able to operate within those boundaries, you won’t need to get involved,” she explains.
- Providing structure, not rescue: You want to make sure your kids have the support they need. Then you want to step back and allow them the chance to figure things out.
- Building trust: To get your teens to trust you, you also need to trust them. Giving them the freedom to try things on their own is key. But they also need to know they can come to you for help when they need it.
- Letting them learn natural consequences: When kids attempt things on their own for the first time, the results won’t always be perfect. But letting them try—and even fail—is how they’ll learn.
“It’s easy to feel like you’re doing a good thing by helicoptering, but as your kids get older, they need more space to learn and grow,” says Melistas. “Continuing to solve all their problems for them is doing them a disservice.”
Reviewed by Kelly Melistas, L.L.P., a child and adolescent psychologist who sees patients virtually.
